What do people look for in a relationship? Trust, affection, companionship, and compassion could be some examples of what empower and grow any type of relationship. While people spend time together to become more connected, it’s also important to know the limitations and restrictions in their relationships.
Ivy Tech Community College legal studies student Laura Romero found space for herself across the country from her past relationship in her hometown in California. Laura says the goals her partner and she had did not line up with each other.
“They weren’t on the same page about me moving, they weren’t supportive, they weren’t motivating,” Laura says. “When I was applying for schools out back in California, where I was raised, I felt like it was really one-sided.”
Growing up, she mentioned they both were exposed to different environments where Laura felt she was more career-oriented while her partner did not want to grow.
“When I would ask about what future we had like, ‘Where is this going, where do you see us three or four years from now?’ it was just like, ‘I don’t know, we’ll see,’” Laura says.
Laura also said she worried about where her partner was and their outgoing, talkative interactions with other women. When it came to boundaries, they were completely non-existent when it came to checking out and messaging women on social media.
“‘I don’t think I’m OK with you telling someone else that they’re attractive, and I’m with you,’” Laura says. “They made me really insecure; it made me feel, I’m not saying you have to worship me, but where’s the respect?”
When she moved to her apartment in Muncie, Indiana, Laura realized things about herself from her past relationship. She found an opportunity to start her law career through Ivy Tech Community College, understood she did not need a partner, and discovered her artistic abilities.
While she recognized various aspects about her identity when she moved, Laura also understood important people in her life couldn’t check in with her as much as she originally thought for reasons such as the different time zones: her parents.
“Emotionally, I was like I have no one to talk to about my day,” Laura says. “It made me realize this is what it feels like to be independent, but I was relying on the communication part on their end.”
She also says she feels this in part because her parents wanted to give her space for self-discovery.
Her household back then consisted of hard-working parents who were constantly busy with work. Laura said a lot of times her parents were too tired to give much effort when conversing with her, and she felt she was a burden to them or too clingy.
“Financially, we were taken care of, but the emotional aspect gave me this anxious attachment style where my feelings would get hurt if they didn’t ask me how my day was or how I was doing,” Laura says.
Being bilingual and the oldest child, she grew up being the English speaker and nurturer in the family, which left her with the translator responsibility for the rest of the family. While she says it helped her become more articulate, it also made her insecure about how she communicates.
“It gave me this anxious communication style, where I feel like I’m talking too much or l’m over explaining myself,” Laura says.
Ultimately, Laura believes relationships must build their space around trust, where both partners are honest with the other about what they’re doing, where they’re at, and who they’re with.
“You need some time to go to the gym, you want to listen to music, or you want to go out with your pals, or I want to go out with my homegirls, that’s fine,” Laura says. “As long as the trust is established there, space is very important.”
According to HelpGuide, without space and boundaries, relationships suffer the risk of becoming toxic, draining, and unsatisfying. But how do couples or friendships determine how much space they need, what boundaries they need to set, and which boundaries are unhealthy?
According to Brenda Karns, Ball State University psychologist and associate director for training, it’s not just a one-answer question that fits all relationships since most of them work differently. However, what does work for each relationship is communication and mutual respect for the wants, needs, and values of everyone involved in a relationship.
“Healthy communication is the basis for determining the boundaries in a relationship,” Karns says. “Healthy relationships are ones that are negotiated between all parties in a relationship and work for all parties.”
One reason why communication is so important for determining how a relationship functions,is because people go into relationships with differences. For example, there are differences in cultures people surround themselves with and grow up in, which creates unique distinctions between all members of a relationship.
“If you come from different cultures, sometimes it’s hard to understand how they think about things, and it makes relationships difficult in setting boundaries,” Karns says.
“You start to have tension when people in a relationship disagree on what healthy boundaries are.”
It’s not just where someone is from that causes the differing views each partner maintains in a relationship. More importantly, Karns views culture as something with social expectations set for how each person involved expects to live.
For example, Karns says some societies live by individualistic cultures while others take a more collectivist cultural approach to life.
According to AFS-USA, individualism centers around independence, separating oneself from others, and personal traits. Meanwhile, collectivism focuses on interdependence, relationships with others, and social harmony.
To further elaborate, Karns mentions individualistic cultures rely on themselves and live by standards, such as “I don’t need help,” or “I can do anything I want to do if I work hard enough.”
Another challenge with relationships, especially when it comes to the differences between all parties, involves stereotypes and assumptions people make about each other. Karns says it’s difficult to form relationships and set boundaries if those stereotypes aren’t discussed.
“If you don’t talk about those stereotypes, it can cause people to make assumptions about them,” Karns says.
But above all, communication helps relationships accommodate differences in areas, such as cultures, while making clear what each person wants out of the other. In other words, communication defines space in a relationship when people from different perspectives merge together.
“As long as the partners can agree on what a healthy relationship looks like, then the boundaries fall into place,” Karns says.
Sources: HelpGuide.org, AFS, Mental Health Foundation
