Strong romantic relationships are built on trust and safety, but it’s mystery that we find most attractive. Here’s how to balance the two.
Familiarity versus mystery.
Predictability versus spontaneity.
Safety and security versus surprise.
Two colliding needs—familiarity and spontaneity—are what Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and expert on relationships and sexuality, defines as necessities for building desire in long-term romantic relationships. There needs to be a sense of security, a certainty that one’s partner will not leave the relationship. Without security, intimacy and desire cannot grow.
However, there also needs to be surprise. Mystery and risk can help a relationship be less idle.
Perel says people usually ask for both of these sensations from one person. But the wish for predictability can reduce feelings of desire. To prevent this, Perel recommends partners find ways to provide safety and love while also retaining some spontaneity.
She says couples can create this balance by establishing separateness—a dividing space between two partners—and recreating a mysterious, erotic space in the relationship. Couples can do this by intentionally spending time apart, enjoying individual activities before reconnecting at the end of the day.
“With too much distance, there can be no connection,” Perel writes in her book, Mating in Captivity. But she says it’s also important for each partner to be their own person, so the relationship stays interesting.
After entering relationships, some people start spending a lot less time with others, or they give up some activities they enjoy.
Lisa Pellerin, an associate professor of sociology and director of Ball State University’s women’s and gender studies program, says society often idealizes the idea that couples should want to do everything together. But Pellerin says this expectation can reduce attraction in a relationship.
Perel refers to the space between someone and their partner as the “erotic synapse.” To reignite and cultivate lust, distance needs to be intentionally recreated after familiarity develops.
To create separation, Perel recommends sometimes thinking of one’s partner as a stranger. At parties, for example, couples can spend time apart, viewing each other as sexy strangers immersed in activities they love.
Interruptions in a relationship—literal separations or conflicts—can help spark the passion that is sometimes lost in familiarity, according to the academic article “Does a Long-Term Relationship Kill Romantic Love?”
Perel recommends a few ways people can separate more sexual desires from the need for familiarity and security.
View your partner with different eyes. A key time when romantic partners find each other attractive is when one exudes confidence and creates a powerful presence.
Create a space for play. In her book, Perel advises couples to create separate email accounts where they can message each other to talk about their fantasies, be flirty, and say things they might not feel comfortable saying face-to-face. This creates a space for couples to be as open and seductive as they please, stimulating their sexual desires outside of the bedroom.
Spend time apart from one another. Go out, Perel suggests. Go to concerts, events, and parties. Spend time with friends, live separate lives, then enjoy time together at the end of the day.
