When Cole and Peyton Spivey began dating in high school, they didn’t think the relationship would last. For a while, it didn’t. But then they started over with a bond based on faith and got married at 19 years old.
Peyton Spivey was 16 when she knew she wanted to marry Cole. While she says most high school girls envision themselves spending the rest of their lives with their boyfriends, Peyton was one of the less than two percent of people who end up marrying their high school sweethearts. Four years later, however, she had no idea they would have to navigate a breakup, find God, and move to Texas all before they even got engaged.
Peyton and Cole’s unconventional path to marriage consummated in a small church in Seymour, Indiana, where they both grew up. Cole’s father, Johnnie Spivey, who is also the pastor of their church, married them both when they were just 19 years old.
A marriage at 19 is an anomaly. Peyton is part of the 4 percent of women to be married by 19, according to a marriage calculator by FlowingData. Cole is even more of an outlier: Just 2 percent of men are married by the time they’re 19 years old.
The couple represents a fading tradition of getting married when young. In the past few decades, the average age of marriage has increased rapidly. In the 1970s, eight in 10 people were married by the time they were 30. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the general population today doesn’t reach that mark until they’re 45.
Nearly six in every 10 Millennials have never married, according to a 2018 report from Pew Research Center. This is a significant change from 1965, when the average person was hitched by 22 years old. One third of unmarried Millennials aren’t sure they ever want to get married.
Peyton and Cole are some of the first members of Generation Z to get married. Time will tell if this generation will follow the same marriage trends of Millennials, who are getting married less; Generation X, who tend to stay together; or the Baby Boomers, who have the highest divorce rate of any generation.
At the end of the day, however, marriage is anything but quantitative. Cole and Peyton are taking the steps they feel are necessary to strengthen their relationship with each other, their community, and their faith to avoid becoming one of the 46 percent of couples who get divorced from their high school sweethearts 10 years after getting married in their teens.
If they would’ve listened to the numbers, chances are they should’ve never stayed together. But through growing in their faith and maturing together, they found a way.
Peyton was a junior, Cole a senior, at Seymour High School when they started dating. They first started talking after Cole saw Peyton at a high school soccer game. Rather than going up to her in person, Cole got her number from a friend and texted Peyton after the game.
You look really hot, texted Cole. We should make out sometime.
“I thought he was super rude,” says Peyton, who responded to Cole by telling him to work on his approach with women and to never talk to her again.
But Cole persisted, working on his flirting skills and eventually scoring a date.
They first hung out during a youth group meeting at Cole’s church. Peyton, who grew up Lutheran, was nervous not only to hang out with Cole for the first time but also because she was going to a non-denominational church.
Peyton says Cole acted like “the stereotypical pastor’s kid,” sitting in the back and acting like he was “too cool” for youth group.
For Cole to go out with his future wife for the first time at a church was quite ironic due to the fact that he says he hated church for the majority of his life.
Despite growing up in the church and attending service every Sunday, Cole says he resented organized religion and wanted to get away from the pressures of being a seed of the pulpit, a problem he says a lot of pastor’s children experience.
Though he admits many children go against the grain as they get older, Cole has experienced that rebelliousness tends to be multiplied for preachers’ children, who often grow up in strict lifestyles, following all of the rules of their parents, the church, and the Bible. Of his four siblings, all of them grew to resent the church at one point or another, he says.
Living in a small town where everybody knows everybody, Peyton knew of Cole’s bad reputation long before they met. Her friends told her not to date him, but Peyton didn’t listen.
When they started dating, Cole was abusing drugs, particularly marijuana, which went against his father’s doctrine and Peyton’s wishes. Peyton says she constantly argued with Cole about his drug use.
Slowly, she broke through to him, and he started using less. That was until the summer before Cole went off to college at Ball State, when he began hanging out with his friends and doing drugs more than he was spending time with Peyton.
Their relationship on the rocks, Peyton says the only thing holding them together was the sex. They always had sex, something Peyton says they always felt guilty for. It was the offense that most directly went against Cole’s parents, whom they both admired and saw as role models.
What kept them together ended up being what broke them up after Cole’s parents found a condom in his pocket while doing laundry. That prompted the worst night of Peyton’s life, when Cole’s parents sat them down and confronted them about their sexual habits.
Peyton described the conversation as grueling, painful, and transformative. Both Cole and Peyton had a close relationship with his parents, but figuring out that the pair was having premarital sex was hard for them. Cole’s dad was angry and didn’t say much, and neither did Cole, while Cole’s mom cried alongside Peyton.
Immediately after, Cole told Peyton it was time for a break. She was hesitant but ultimately agreed. Cole was set to go off to Ball State in a few weeks and, against Peyton and his family’s wishes, needed a fresh start.
Distancing himself further from faith and leaving his friends, family, and Peyton behind, Cole would delve deeper into drugs before undergoing the biggest transformation of his life.
Spirits Adrift
Cole felt that God spoke to him in a crowded party near Riverside Avenue.
Cole, like everyone around him, was high. He had a new set of friends at Ball State that used harder drugs than the common pot he was smoking back in Seymour.
During a wild party in the middle of his first semester, Cole began to smell all the “death” in the room. He says he was able to sense the spirits of everyone there, himself included, dying and being put to waste.
He thought about his future, which at that point had no clear destination. He thought about Peyton, whom he’d left behind in Seymour. He thought about his parents, who always supported him despite his rebellious tendencies and the growing distance between him and the church. Finally, he thought about his own relationship with God and what he thought his purpose was.
Back in Seymour, Peyton was spending more and more time with Cole’s family, frequenting their house and growing closer with the family despite going months without speaking to Cole.
Cole’s parents could’ve easily cut off Peyton for both no longer being with their son as well as having premarital sex behind their backs, but they immediately came to Peyton with forgiveness after the breakup.
Peyton became particularly close with Cole’s mother, Carol. She began to see Carol as a role model and says she’s as close with Cole’s parents as she is with her own. She continued to attend church with them, and her faith grew to new heights.
Cole and Peyton began reconnecting around Thanksgiving. Cole explained how he was in the process of transforming into a better man and taking his relationship with God more seriously. They both agreed that Cole was not yet in a state where he could handle a romantic relationship, but they decided to see each other and communicate more often.
“You could tell in the way he was talking he was so different. His priorities were different,” says Peyton, who instantly saw a change in Cole. “You could tell he had a shift in his heart.”[epq-quote align=”align-left”]“You could tell in the way he was talking he was so different. You could tell he had a shift in his heart.”
– Peyton Spivey[/epq-quote]
In retrospect, Peyton is glad she and Cole weren’t dating while he was in his worst state. She isn’t sure she could’ve stayed with a man who was so detached from the values that were important to her as a Christian.
Shortly after that night at the party, Cole decided it was best to drop out and return to Seymour to escape what he describes as the dark season of life he was in at that time. Soon enough, he started dating Peyton again.
At the time, Cole still had no idea where his future was headed. He only knew that he wanted to work on himself and strengthen his relationship with God and Peyton.
Centered Faith
Peyton’s last semester of high school was different than most girls her age. She found herself slowly separating herself from her friend group. The obsession over prom and graduation and all the pageantry of leaving high school was unappealing to her. She was more focused on any opportunity she had to FaceTime with Cole, who was now more than 1,000 miles away in Dallas.
Shortly after returning to Seymour, Cole reconnected with some of his former youth leaders. They had moved to Texas to work in the youth ministry at Calvary Church Dallas. They made Cole an offer to come live with them in Dallas while he worked in the youth ministry there, rekindling his own faith.
The decision came with obvious risks: Cole would be hundreds of miles away from the most important spiritual figure in his life, his father. His faith was already in a fragile state, and any big decision could have had an irreversible effect on his relationship with God.
In addition, Cole had just been reunited with the woman he loved. Though they had dated before, Cole and Peyton were essentially a new, stronger couple in their eyes. This time, faith was at the center of their relationship. Their love for each other was based on their love for God.
In the end, Cole prayed about it. He was drawn to the idea of using his own testimony to inspire others, and he decided it was time to go.
Objectively, Peyton thought it was crazy. Cole had just dropped out of college and returned home in the midst of the biggest transformation of his life. But they both agreed it was the best decision for Cole and that their relationship was strong enough to survive the distance test.
Peyton began applying to different colleges around the country. She dreamed of going to the University of Washington or Indiana University, but in her heart, she knew she really just wanted to be closer to Cole.
In a sort of long shot, Peyton applied to Dallas Baptist College. She knew without any financial assistance, she wouldn’t be able to go to school in a big city out of state, but her prayers were answered. She was accepted into Dallas Baptist and began receiving scholarships to attend the private college.
Cole returned to Seymour for Peyton’s high school graduation, a last hurrah at the place they met and a celebration of what was to come. They had survived the distance, which showed them they are stronger with faith.
Texas Tango
Peyton and Cole’s relationship was better than ever. Peyton was living in a college dorm just miles from her boyfriend, who lived with his fellow youth ministers. She helped with the youth ministry when she wasn’t in class.
They were hearing God clearer than ever before, and Cole wondered if it was time to take their relationship to the next level.
Cole didn’t know if it was the right time to propose—they had only been dating again for about a year. But he made his decision based on the advice of one of the youth ministers he was living with.
Well, dude, she moved to Texas for you. If that isn’t enough, I don’t know what is.
Cole thought about how Peyton had risked everything to come be with him in Dallas, and he knew he needed to ask her to marry him.
Peyton and Cole were engaged in October of 2017. Just a year before, they were barely on speaking terms. After she said yes, Peyton and Cole began to wonder if Dallas was where they wanted to start the rest of their lives. They both had a great support system, a renewed purpose, and a great life in Dallas. But in their hearts, they longed to be near their families in Seymour.
To come to this decision, Peyton and Cole fasted, a practice common in their church back in Seymour. During the fast, they cut off nearly all communication with each other and the outside world in order to pray and listen to God’s will. Ultimately, they both agreed God was leading them back home again to Indiana.
Led to Wed
All the stressful decisions, time spent apart, and spiritual growth led to the greatest day of Peyton and Cole’s life: their wedding day.
They read their vows and agreed to marriage in the same church where they’d gone on their first date two and a half years before.
It was a quick engagement. They got married in April, six months after the proposal. Peyton never understood why people wait so long to marry. Of course, when your father-in-law-to-be is a pastor of the church you get married in, Peyton joked, it’s easier to get the date you want.
After the marriage, Peyton’s parents were in the process of trying to sell their old home. They agreed to rent it out to the couple, who are now renovating it and working up enough credit to buy the house.
The house is much different from the one-bedroom apartment in Dallas they were expecting to live in when they first got engaged. Though they both say they’re blessed to be living in a house at such a young age, they knew they had to do a lot to make the home their own.
“It looked like the inside of a pumpkin,” says Peyton, who dumped the maroon-yellow color scheme for a more contemporary gray. “My mom says it was in 10 years ago, but I’m not sure it was ever in.”
Carol Hornbeck, a marriage and family therapist in Indianapolis and Minneapolis, who has worked with couples who got married before they were 20, says the maturity of a couple matters more than age. Plenty of 20-year-olds are ready to get married, she says, and other people are too immature to get married when they’re in their 30s.
Cole says his parents saw something in his relationship with Peyton that they didn’t see in each other back in high school. And even though he spent a lot of his life running from the church, the support from his father was always there.
Peyton now works full-time as a registered behavior technician at an autism center in Seymour. She also coaches gymnastics on the side. Cole works at home using mapping technology for electrical companies.
Cole and Peyton use the story of their relationship as a testimony for their youth group. They both say how, when they tried dating without having a strong relationship with God, their relationship failed.
They use this as an opportunity to tell their youth group to wait until marriage to have sex. They believe the sex is “better” and means more when you’ve committed to spending the rest of your life with someone. To them, sex is no longer a thing of guilt.
For now, they’re strengthening their marriage by taking classes at their church, and they’re establishing their lives in Seymour. They both say they expect to have children within a few years, but that one advantage of getting married while young is that they have plenty of time to mature and figure everything out before they start preparing to extend their family.
Even though they both described themselves as being in a period of “rest,” they say God can lead them anywhere in the world, and they are always prepared to drop everything and go.
